bezdna.su — the best quotes and jokes from the abyss!



[ + 35 - ] Comment quote №155905
 28.02.2021
I had a friend who was 60 years old. Small growth, but rooted. He was always dumb, serious. He said little about himself. He worked as a master at the factory. But in the face obviously unfriendly. It is a fairy tale.

And one day it turned out that they sat with them at the table, talked about who in his youth lived, where he studied, gave birth, etc. Here his wife recalls: "I remember I was in the ninth month of pregnancy, something caught up, went to the hospital. Even the hormones prevent me from concentrating, the nerves give up, it is hard to walk, I barely got to the hospital, sat in a line. I go to the doctor, get up on the weights, and they don’t work. Doctor, how can you scream at me that I broke them! I have never felt so bad! She went home, her husband complained. He gathered his friends that evening. They went to that hospital, found this doctor, and fixed his weights.”

[ + 30 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №155904
 28.02.2021
I propose to set up a monument on Lubyan Square “to the official taking bribe because of circumstances not dependent on him.”

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №155903
 28.02.2021
I work as a waitress, and yesterday a woman came to us, who asked me to serve her, because she was advised by many of me, and she heard that I was very kind and a real professional, she even called the administrator to tell about it.
In general, if you have never invited your mother to work, I advise.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №155902
 28.02.2021
According to statistics, people rob banks much less often than banks rob people.

[ + 27 - ] [2 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №155901
 28.02.2021
My mom told me about her spiritually concerned vegan friend. She often had kittens and fed them only with vegetable food (bread, flour, vegetables). Cats naturally died from such a diet quickly. One day my mother asked her, and what hell does she do? The answer was: “The vegan diet purifies their karma, so they will die, but in the next life they are reborn into more spiritual beings.”

There is no morality in history, I just decided to bring readers to tears.

[ + 23 - ] Comment quote №155900
 27.02.2021
The servant of the people, in order to steal less, must be washed more often.

[ + 36 - ] Comment quote №155899
 27.02.2021
20 years ago, I was appointed as the head of sales department. At the age of 30, under the supervision of 8 people. The office is rich, the salary is very decent, in a word - life was successful. The deputy was a 50-year-old man. Fundamental, calm, "lampy" about newborn computer chips and gadgets, but greatly able: 1) to negotiate with customers 2) to competently outline the essence of problems in official letters. Perfectly aware of the specifics of the case and never in a hurry. He clearly did not fit into our team of young ambitious managers. He did not argue with money and especially did not aggravate on corporations. He did not even have a personal car. I do not remember that he was traveling abroad for a vacation, all about his favorite country told. In a part-time year, the department decreased to 6 people, but sales increased significantly. I thought then that as a young but experienced manager, I had built my own system. In fact, it is my deputy, as a more experienced, through me created a comfortable atmosphere in the department, where everyone was in his place and brought the greatest benefit to the general cause. When we celebrated his 50th anniversary, we had a private conversation, from which I understood the principle of work of my mum: DO NOT WORRY AND DO NOT WORRY. 20 years have passed... The office was safely ruined due to the greed of the owners, who fought with each other until the attraction of the brothers. I am currently the head of sales department. The same eggs, only view from the side. In the subordination of 12 people, extra employees are absent as a class. The office is rich, the salary is more than decent. The only difference is that the owner is my former deputy. When our former owners shared money and power, customers did not stand on any side, but chose an experienced and calm seller with whom they continued to do business.

[ + 32 - ] Comment quote №155898
 27.02.2021
The fraudster, who pretends to be the president of Belarus, deceived a confident pensioner from Moscow $ 4.5 billion.

[ + 40 - ] Comment quote №155897
 26.02.2021
Xxx is swimming. Suddenly someone gets him for the eggs and the voice asks: - Plus two or minus two? The man said, “Two more. He goes out on the shore and has four eggs. The man thinks: I'll go back now, I'll say "minus two" and everything will be fine again. He slipped back into the water, sailed to that place, there he was again caught for eggs and asked: - Plus four or minus four?



YYY: There is a continuation

The male already eight eggs in horror goes into the water in the hope that everything will work out and will be well, and in the space does so a couple of times, and eventually finds himself on the shore with a huge cluster between the legs of 32 eggs. Decides to go in for the last time, he is caught for all these eggs, and they say “plus 32 or minus 32”, the man clamps up and says “minus 32!To end this nightmare. The debilitated man goes to the shore, sees that all 32 eggs are in place, and there is no tooth in his mouth.



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[ + 17 - ] Comment quote №155896
 26.02.2021
Previously our hockey was a courtyard, and now it has become a courtyard.

[ + 33 - ] Comment quote №155895
 26.02.2021
Maugli

We then launched the arbolite factory from a long absence, it is the one that makes plates for home construction from scraps. The bare walls of a huge shop under the roof. Our assembly team has provided a small room for their needs.
Equipped it with all the necessary hanged the steel door, but the lock to insert did not have time.
The next morning, when we came to work, we found a couple of teenage kittens, six months of breed, in our canteen. One escaped, the other was caught by the tail, and was pleased to stay with us. He became the fifth in our small brigade.
Black, without a single speck, the beautiful man was named by us by the name of Maugli, and by the collective will he was freed from the need to refer to the grandmother's kiss-kiss. by name or by whistle.
In our canteen we changed clothes, used to have lunch and stored labor tools. The door was always closed on the key, so that the local labor-golicians did not stitch these same tools of labor, and at the bottom of the steel door they cut a window for Maugli.

Maugli welcomed us every morning at the entrance to the workshop, accompanied us to the canteen, bending his back with a puddle and shaking his legs, and urcha swallowed the housekeepers. There was another ritual he strictly followed. When we changed clothes and loaded with instruments, cables, tubes and gas balloons to the next dislocation, Maugli accompanied us to the place, but not as accompanied by dogs, seeds next to or ahead, but as cats.
The workshop had just begun to be filled with the sounds of the engaged mechanisms, with voices, with a metal whisper, and Mowgli with short interruptions, hiding between the rails under multi-ton steel forms, then the matter, dying and clinging to the concrete floor, accompanied us to the place, and already then left for his business. If it was winter, he returned to a warm canteen, and in the expectation of lunch examined his dreams, and in the summer he wandered all day long through the sunny, surrounding lawns and slopes stretching south, to where the eyes could reach from the very factory walls.

In these same swamp lawns went out two slit chambers, which ended our workshop, and which participated in the technological process. They represented long, meters of 70-100, corridors equipped with a wide railroad. They began at the end of the workshop and went further below its foundation already underground.
The forms poured with the solution entered the right chamber, and smoothly extended to its very end, where they were subjected to temperature treatment. In the very end of the building, they were thrown into a corridor parallel to this, in which they were cooled, slowly returned, and flooded into the workshop from the left gap. But this was the case after the workshop was launched, and then just two parallel dark and terrible black tunnels went underground.

It was autumn, and the rain came. The rain continued throughout the weekend, and on Monday morning, when we jumped out of the guard, we found that almost all the lowlands around the plant had been flooded. We went to the shop, Mowgli did not meet us.
On our scream: Mowgli! We heard a whispering voice: “Mau! from the opposite side of the cage. Assuming that he was stuck somewhere, or he was caught with something, he rushed to help.

He stopped whispering only when he saw us and we saw him, 20 meters away. Maugli walked around the sloping pandus leading to the slit chambers, dissolving the vertically torching tail. He obviously wanted to tell us something.
As we approached, we understood exactly what. Against the entrance to the right chamber, right in the middle, carefully folded, lay a bunch of mice. About a dozen. We looked from above. I had thought that they were rats, they were healthy, each of them three or four spiders in size, but their mouths were rounded, not rats. Maugli jumped down to the trophy bunch, made a ritual circle around it, jumped back to us again, and after receiving merited praise from each one, led us to the left chamber. You probably guessed, and right. Exactly the same, carefully folded bunch, and the same was waiting for us in the middle.

So what seems to be amazing here? Cats have always caught mice—pure instincts. But when you think about it, you will find the magnitude of what happened. It is as if you were defending the whole night against two dozen giant toothed and mad from a sudden flood of wolves, not forgetting at the same time to carefully fold the corpses in pits to dignified report afterwards, realizing at the same time what you have done the necessary and important work.
Mowgli lived with us for five years, not appearing in the summer for a few days, then weeks and once did not come back at all. Probably married.

[ + 34 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №155894
 26.02.2021
I went back into the garage and asked my son to help me and tell me when I would get to the wall. After I heard “Bam!The son said to me, “It’s exactly 17:45.”

[ + 38 - ] Comment quote №155893
 25.02.2021
I remembered a very sad incident. My boyfriend left me, I am 23 years old. He left me and left me in the subway. Diko experienced this gap and I began to hysterize directly at the Sokolniki subway. I sat by the wall of the subway building and quietly walked out. A man came and gave me 100 rubles. I tell him, I don't need money, and he says, buy yourself a cake, and the mood will rise, and went to sunset.

I already remember this relationship poorly, but here a guy with 100 rubles I often remember)))

[ + 30 - ] Comment quote №155892
 25.02.2021
When men are good, they are attracted to bad women.

[ + 40 - ] Comment quote №155891
 25.02.2021
“You’ve finished Fizfak, right? So why don’t you work as a teacher?”

I work as a trainer.

The story of how I went to work as a physicist in the 8th grade in my native high school, from which I once graduated.

So then.

*** by
I came to the first lesson in class. The guys are noisy, but you can calm down quickly. We work. At the end of the lesson, a student approaches and says, “Thank you, I first understood physics.” The sound of my class confuses my name.
* is
We sign a contract with the school in two weeks of work. The salary is a laugh. But I didn’t go here for money, so we work.
* is
We conduct a laboratory. Students drink water from the bottles and lick the manometer. Two teachers in a classroom is not an obstacle. Next time you need to take a strong salt solution or laxative. An alcohol for me.
* is
The class got used to me and started making a lot more noise. I spend a lot of nerve and effort to keep the class under control. I try not to scream. Until the gun. I am looking for spirits.
* is
Somebody in the class was strongly murmured (they are already mating significantly and often). He raised the whole class. He said – or this person goes out, or independent. They made a scene from the film Spartacus ("I Mothered! No, I’ve gotten married!” But they were all the other guys, our main hero sat in the bushes. Writing work, I honestly bet 90% of the two.
* is

I get the calculation for a month. It is 10 times less than what is written in the contract (that is, quite a penny). The accountants say it should be so. I go to the director. It turns out that I was counted 10 times less hours. The accountant assures that soon the money will fall on the card. A month of silence.

* is
In one class, two students insulted the third (one-on-one boy Neville Dolgopups). They picked up things, hit their feet and head. Everyone was quiet, I didn’t even immediately get into the situation. I call the Zevs. The sound is heard on all floors of the school. When I saw the beating boys, they walked into the bushes, saying that I, I did nothing. They refuse to leave the class, they have already been kicked out by classmates. by Fu. Spirit, where are you?
* is
The education of Zazuch was enough for exactly one lesson. After the lesson again went mat in the lessons, fights and other stuff. I popularly explain what will happen if I leave their class and how much their further education will cost. The wise were silent (they didn’t even make a noise), the others didn’t get through.
* is
Two people are fighting again in one class. I wanted to leave the class. They sit. I insist. Another boy says, “Yes, I’d been out a long time to listen to this.” I crawl, throwing all three into the shell. Alcohol is found.
* is

After the last lesson, I say that I will no longer be in this class. Talk to the director. The director complains that no one works, promises golden mountains. I refuse to. Lessons in the classroom are running out again.
* is
Parents and students ask in the вотsap and telegram - is it true that I left? They are upset. They say that during the time with me, their child at least began to understand physics.
*** by
Let me emphasize again. All of the above is a lyceum, an institution with an elevated status.

Only a very rich person or an altruist can work as a teacher. In such circumstances, giving boys at least something (not to mention good and light) is a huge job. A tribute to all my teachers. You are heroes.

[ + 43 - ] Comment quote №155890
 25.02.2021
Idea for Startup:
Vegan sweaters on topolino puhu.

[ + 26 - ] Comment quote №155889
 25.02.2021
Xxx: Today I go to the store, pick up the products, stand at the box and wait for the cashier to pierce the goods, parallelly folding their purchases into a pack. I am approached by an adult woman (not a grandmother) and with such a sharp look, and the look was directed at me, asks:

Why are there no bananas in the store? I was a little overwhelmed, but immediately thought what to answer:

There is no harvest in Ecuador. What she quickly said to me:

How do you know? Do you work here? Then I turned 180 degrees and left.

[ + 27 - ] Comment quote №155888
 25.02.2021
Xxx: a fraudster, pretending to be the president of Belarus, deceived a confident pensioner from Moscow $ 4.5 billion.

[ + 39 - ] Comment quote №155887
 25.02.2021
Xxx: At school, we were gathered in the acting room for a common photo. A friend from the neighboring school came to me. I said, “Rise up quickly! »



Now 30 classmates have been asking for 20 years: "What kind of guy is this in our class? »

[ + 38 - ] [1 Комментарии к цитате] Comment quote №155886
 24.02.2021
Ten years ago I had an experience of interacting with Sberbank. I had to exchange three packs of hundred ruble notes for larger ones. At that time, the amount is decent.

I ran to the bank, and there the cashier, suddenly, a guy. He sits behind an armor glass. I give him three packs of hundreds and I ask to exchange them for big ones. And he tells me with a human voice that, say, this exchange is worth some percentage (I don’t remember for years, but about one or three).

I began to get outraged and accuse them of usurpation and, in general, of expropriation (he-he, the bankers, ah). He said he would bring me some orders or rules there and familiarize me with them, so that I knew how to disconnect important people from work and in general.

While he was walking, I had nothing to do with studying all kinds of information sheets. The cashier came, showed me a document of some sort, where, indeed, it is written that, anyway, a percentage is taken for such a service, and everything is serious. But as I read the sheets, I read that old notes are exchanged for new ones.

What is the percentage of exchange?

This operation is without interest.

I get one hundred, tear off a piece of it, put it in a bowl. I look at him a lot:

- I have three packages of very old bills formed here, can you change?

Okay, I understood everything. Don’t just scratch more. What kind of bills do you need?

That time I managed to change the slides to large without commission, registration and SMS. I don’t know if this would happen now, or if they would recognize me as a terrorist, but then it happened.

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