I, a young geologist, have to deliver a lot of expeditional equipment and other cargo from Moscow to Peter. The expedition departs to Yakutia from under Peter. Sending a transport campaign is uncomfortable and troublesome, so I decide to take the projectile on the car. At the time, I had a “egg on wheels” in my possession – the 1996 Toyota Town ICE, a Japanese minibus, and the licenses I obtained six months ago. Driving experience already exists, but has not yet adapted to all the surprises on the road. In order not to extend the way, I decided to leave early and pass through Moscow through the center, until there is no traffic jams, and not to drive around the MKAD.
So, the beginning of the 2000s, the beginning of June, about 4 o’clock in the morning, Moscow...
I live in the south of Moscow, so I went north to get to the beginning of Tver Street, and from it to the Leningrad Prospect and then straight to Peter. The beginning of Tverska - behind the Red Square, and from the south to it approaches the Great Moskvoretska Bridge (which begins at the Vasilyevsky descent and goes through the Moscow river to the Great Ordinka). Here I came from her... No cars, no people, the sun rises, I still want to sleep... The congregation from the bridge near the temple of Basil the Blessed is quite strange to my morning look, a bunch of concrete blocks and signs stand like a hit and try to explain everything with their configuration where you can and where you can not. I solve this task within my capabilities, I drive straight and turn to the right, falling on a street that is visually familiar to me, but the name of which I do not remember. The street is empty, cute, going almost where I need to. I’m not in a hurry, trying to figure out where I got and where it will take me. I drive it almost to the end and suddenly I get on the lighthouse, which is behind me for some reason, and behind it there are cars in a row, but for some reason in the entire width of the street - and everyone is looking at me! I stop in front of the lighthouse, trying to realize that it went wrong, as suddenly from behind the approaching rush of the sirens, two haitian cars approach me and block me, one in front of me, the other behind me. Of them, four beacons jump out (the beacon is still working, the cars are still standing and looking at me), take me on board, pull me out of my microwave, take my keys, lock the car, put it in the rear car, and the front with one driver-beacon remains next to mine. The car with me unfolds and under the syrene carries back to the Vasilyevsky descent in the direction of the Kremlin. At this time, the lighting switched and all the cars that stood behind it followed us. All this takes less than a minute and only near the Kremlin two things finally reach me: 1) the street I was driving on has unilateral traffic; 2) I was kidnapped by haishniki and my further fate is unpredictable.
The firefighters in the car pressed me on the rear seat on both sides, silent but looking with a strange mix of respect, regret and amazement. We fly with the syrene to the beginning of the bridge near the temple, there is another haishnikov car. I am placed in it on the passenger seat in front of it, the door is blocked and a fireplace stands next to it so that I do not escape. In front of the wheel is a huge man in shape, with the pursuit of a major. He is listening to something on the radio, turning to me and looking back with great surprise. and silence. I’m in a T-shirt, under two meters, cut, all wet (hot, though earlier in the morning).
Who are you and where did you come from? Do you have documents? He asks.
I give him the papers, I am a whisper.
Do you understand why you are sitting here?
I say that I begin to guess, but where I found it - I do not yet understand.
“Okay,” he said, “I’ll show you.
He drives the car, we move to the beginning of the bridge and he runs on my trajectory, simultaneously explaining to me where and what I broke. He explains everything calmly, insightfully, but in his voice there is still an unsolved surprise in front of the person to whom he tells all this. When we arrived at my car, he ended up saying:
Thus, your fourteenth violation: stopping in front of the light from its reverse on a street with unilateral movement. Is this your car? Show that you are lucky.
I say the keys are with your colleague. The remaining guard of my car, by the swing of his hand, opens the microwave. The major for a long time quietly looks from different sides to the closed under the curtain salon with blades, a generator, a bunch of bowls, boxes, etc. Then it silently unfolds, and together we return to the original position near the temple.
After stopping, he turns his whole body to me and asks:
Do you understand what I told you and what you did?
Now I understood...
- I repeat: in the heart of the capital, almost on the Red Square, in the eyes of three astonished crews of GAI cars and personally my eyes of a whole major, you violated the Rules 14 times, and was stopped only after the pursuit at the beginning of the street of Varvarka, on which unilateral movement (I, the hell of myself, so is the street called!). What do you think will be for you?
The early morning of June began to gradually turn in my eyes into dark evening dusk... On the question of the major, I had the only answer formulated on the machine:
- As far as I understand, in this situation you will not even bring me to the front spot, but you will shoot me right here, with all three crews? Can I at least stand face to east: the last time I look at the sun, and you will be more comfortable targeting?
The Major stumbled, staring at me, then nodded and said:
Don’t worry, we won’t miss you, everyone wants to focus on you.
The darkness in my eyes turned into a strange night.
Before we put you on the wall, tell me what kind of stuff you have in your car? Where to go after shooting?
I began to tell you that I was carrying an expedition cargo to Peter, there and there, myself from the MGU, a geologist...
Where did you plan to fly, what are you doing?
I understand that he wants me to calm down a little before I die and accept a proper compensation for the crying disorders without nerves.
I begin to tell you that we are working in the Eastern Arctic, studying eternal frost, underground ice, in the tundra, there mammots, rhinos, etc. As soon as I reached the mammoths, the major interrupted me:
and wait.
He got out of the car and his friends.
- So, everyone who is free - come here, open the right door and listen to what he says!
Then I spoke for an hour and a half about Yakutia’s frost, the mammoth fauna, the modern tundra and the ancient tundrostepe, our work in it, etc. I was asked questions!Not only the major, but also the haishniks. I answered and we disputed. about whether the mammoths themselves died or they were helped by an ancient man... The Haishniks listened with unmistakable interest, I almost forgot that this was a lecture before the shooting.
When all the questions were clarified, the Major said:
- Ivanov and Petrov (the surnames have changed, I don't remember them anymore), take him to the car and carry him to the beginning of Tverska, so that he won't go anywhere again!
In some of the offices:
What about my shooting?! to
While it is postponed! Your case is interesting, it will be more useful to you than in the form of food for worms! Don’t bother anymore, be careful. and luck!
I still don’t come to myself:
thank you!
While they carried me to the car, the firefighters said that the asteroid fell from somewhere on the back of the Earth to America: the major in their department heard a terrible monster and was not in vain put to control the road situation in the most responsible sections. And what happened to him today is unclear, because for my violations I was really shot. They accompanied me with a flashlight to the Belarusian station, put me on the exit highway and only after making sure that I went in the right direction, turned and went back.
I was driving and couldn’t believe what happened. I still respect the mammoths and their tundra associates for what they were, and that their fate still interests even the police chief. In autumn, I came several times to the Vasilyevsky descent, I wanted to give the major a mammoth tooth in memory of what he brought from field work, but I did not meet him. He did not name his name.
I have since tried not to violate the rules, and under the front glass I have a small puddle in the form of a mammoth brought from Yakutsk.

The reaction of foreigners to Russian candy "bird milk"
Do you have birds?
Everyone in Russia. Here even the cabbage cabbage is put off...

Poverty is not a defect, but a pain threshold.

A lawyer told me about his colleague.

Sometimes during one of the court sessions in the hall, the phone rings, the secretary removes the phone, something is listening, and asks the judge (woman): "Here your husband is calling, says, on the plate 2 pots and is interested - which of them breakfast for him and which - for the dogs."

He said that after this remark, the trial could not continue.

We wish everyone this year that this infection, which has tormented us for more than a year, finally ended! Well, so that everything goes well, let the coronavirus end too!

The Constitution must not only be respected, but also enforced.

Neighbors catch their dog one day.

The dog is a large, hairy kind of palterrier, but so angrily good-hearted that there is simply no strength! He loves to play with children, and those for his tail, and for his moustaches, on the cloth ride! And he really smiles like the best dogs in the universe can smile.

So here.

Neighbors always keep him in their yard. The courtyard is sealed from all sides. How does he escape from there? No jumping or jumping.

and Bach! Neighbors are caught next to the children.

They do this purposefully, because they understand that if a child sees a large dog carrying on him with a loud joyful whisper, the child's first thought will come to mind "I - food!"

Avoid and get caught.

But how does this dog manage to run away all the time?

The mystic!

I went out this morning to smoke the phone and saw through the fence:

In the pony silence. The fucking. Approaches to their chest. It rises in full growth. Absolutely quietly pushes off the upper drive, and with a quiet quiet movement opens the fence handle. All fucking silent!

He sits down, with his lap opens the bark for no more than a walk, and quietly disappears in an unknown direction (well, in general, a known playground)

The stove is quietly closed on the stove.

After half an hour, the neighbor's grandfather goes out to remind the environment, sees that the drive from above is not closed, closes it somewhat bragging about the unobserved of those who returned last night.

Grandfather goes to the house to sleep.

Half an hour later, the neighbors, husband and wife wake up and start to look surprised where the puppy was? And most importantly how? Even the cage is closed.



From the children's playground there is a joyful children's laughter.

In terms of utility for society, athletes are no different from cats. Also, they do not produce anything, they are self-satisfied in every way, they demand from the masters of hollow food, beds and the carrying out of gamma. One thing is unclear, why volunteer cats to the parliament to govern the laws of their feeders!

There was an Englishman who was constantly losing in racing.

And he didn’t play for 6 years, raised £6,000, came to the 6th race on the 6th of the 6th month and bet all £6,000 on the 6th horse.

And the horse came sixth.

And let in the New Year all the bad go away from the post of president of the country!

The old grabs.

The preface. You can take a girl out of the village, but you can’t take the village out of the girl.

The mice cried and cried, but continued to eat cactus.



In America there is an old good republican state of Texas, where more than a million refugees have fled during a pandemic from one demonocratic California alone, with one request: You are well! Let us live too!



This autumn, Texas ceased to be republican for a simple reason: refugees used to vote for Democrats.

Roscosmos has requested an additional $4.5 billion from the budget for the maintenance of the turtles and elephants on which the earth's fortress rests.

Do you realize that when Elon Musk or Bill Gates enter a bar, everyone on average becomes a millionaire?

This story was told by Leo Durov.
In 1964, Semen Tumanov filmed the film "To Me, Mukhtar!". In the main role Yuri Nikulin. This is one of the serious heroic roles of the country's beloved clown Yuri Nikulin.
Nikulin played a junior lieutenant of the militia, and Durov a bandit-recidivist. The filming began in the winter in the suburb of Kashira. There was a heavy frost below 30 degrees. There were night shootings. Even the dogs were released from the criminal investigation from the cold.
The actors were allocated a small room, where everyone was filled and laid right in the clothes and rolls to warm up at least a little. Once announced a break, all the irritated and tired filled up in a tight room and lay down whoever. Suddenly, Nicole’s voice heard in silence:
- Right now in the circus artist Semushkin is preparing a new number: "Gigant Turtles".
Everyone was silent, waiting for the continuation.
“He goes out in a white frog,” continued Nikulin. He beats with a beat, and eight giant turtles are carried out. They make a full circle. Shemushkin commands: “App!“And all the turtles stand on their back legs.
There was still silence, everyone was waiting for the end. After a long pause, Yuri Nikulin added:
The number is 8 hours.
And then everyone wavered of laughter, imagining the audience watching the barely moving turtles for eight hours.

The king is naked!
King: Let’s look at the kings in neighboring states.

There is no soldier in the field. The forest is a partisan squad.

Judy and the Snake.

The last place where you can find a theme for the bike is the cemetery.
We buried Jodi, my favorite senior nurse and hospital supervisor.
I worked with her side by side for more than a decade, she was a truly outstanding nurse, calm and balanced even in the most desperate situations.
An innate leader who knows his subordinates very well, who can find a common language with the most nervous doctors, caring like a mother — walked around the hospital, replacing the nurse with the food she brought from the cafeteria — in short, I respected and loved her, since I worked in a team with her.
She went a long way — a nurse in the department, a senior nurse in the reception room, a hospital administrator. The last position is actually the head of the entire hospital, especially responsible at nights and weekends when she had to make very difficult decisions.
She grew old, began to get sick - and I became her anesthesiologist, at the same time - a nurse and a babysitter, encouraging her in all sorts of ways - then I will wash my head and shave my hair, remind me of cosmetics, pull a light cocktail in secret...
Her last admission did not go without me - I went to intensive care and transferred her to a fan.
She didn’t get better, days went by – and she asked herself to let go.
We obeyed, not immediately, I begged her to give us another day or two.
She reluctantly agreed for another 24 hours — it wasn’t better.
And she quietly left, surrounded by the love of her children and her extensive family of staff at her hospital.

The funeral, however, surprised me – I was prepared to burn – but it wasn’t here!
Instead of sadness, her relatives and friends organized a celebration of her life.
One by one, those who knew her stood up and told fun, touching and frankly funny stories.
This is one story I would like to share.
This iron lady with steel nerves had a phobia.
Jodie was afraid of snakes, to fainting, to madness and loss of reason!
People in the receiver worked fun, friendly and inventive, endlessly playing each other - a good team, with hooks and additions dealing with their very difficult tasks.
The scammers do not recognize subordination — and the head of the reception department, Jodi, is no exception.
Learned about her phobia - a toy snake was waiting for her then on the desk, then hanging from the stativ for intravenous transfusions, then hiding in the cabinet for medicines.
Over the years, however, Jodi got used to and stopped whispering and jumping on the table — the snake was toy and stopped causing panic.
This led to the fact that it stopped playing - it became uninteresting, jokes and jokes tend to get old and bored.
Until one day, a Mexican cotton gathering strawberries was not bitten by a snake.
He doubted little - he threw, as he thought, a grimpering snake into a hole with a cap and flew to save his young life, with a hole under his foreheads.
Running forward, the serpent was untouched, pretending to grimace for mimicry. It is easy to confuse them - and the color and length, and even the sling at the end of the tail, the sling serpent looks pretty awful.
And only looking at it - you can notice that the straw is less, and it is not possible to crack it.
And then you can see the difference in the shape of the head and patterns and thickness of the body.
All this the bite did not know and, of course, decided that he had not long to live.
Whirlpool arriving to reception rest - he falls on sorting.
The most experienced nurses are always placed on the sorting - with limited resources and time - severe and dangerous conditions need to be recognized as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Crying out of the horror of a near death, the patient was taken to the sorting room, where, to her own disaster, Jodie replaced her employee Bill, a friend and the main initiator of numerous snake jokes.
The panicked patient tricked to miss the snake — she climbed to the table and rolled a clove.
Where it was discovered by Jodi, smiled about herself, said, Bill again accepted his stupidity, and stretched out his hand - to remove the toy from the table.
The toy raised its head and struck...
This heartbreaking scream became a tradition – it was heard in ALL the hospital, in every corner of it.
Jodie herself with her back, blindly flew on the trunk with the patient - a trick almost impossible for a woman far from acrobatics rather burdensome and unyouthful.
She was spinning for a long time — first coffee, then someone came to the mind to take her to the bar, where she came to herself after a bottle of bourbon (a strong woman, in everything, except snakes)...
No one ever played it again, it’s clear.
I write now and smile, remembering these cute stories about a dear person to me.
Jodie, if there are heavens, there is a corner for honest medical workers.
And you are there, deserving eternal peace, without pain, anxiety and snakes.
We’ll see you again if I get this award.

December 31 was a weekend because no one was working anyway.
No one is working for 30 years.